So here is what hit me today in learning how to deal with Mr. Hot Dog Water:
My reality and my desire were out of sync. What I wanted is for us to have an amicable divorce. I have tried everything in my power to make it so. What I have failed to recognize, however, is that it takes two people committed to the same ideal.
If indeed we had been committed to the same ideal, wouldn't we still be married?
I recognized today that I put way to much stock into being nice. As I was driving in the car, I was thinking about the term that insurance companies use to disqualify you from being part of your ex-spouse's health insurance: known strangers.
While I would have preferred to have had a working relationship with my ex, this is clearly not possible. Therefore he must become a known stranger. Known strangers in my book have the right to courteous and professional communications, but have no right to the inside mechanics of my life, be it professional or personal. They cease to have the right to reside in my inner circle of friends and family.
This fundamental shift from someone that I used to trust to take a bullet for me to being a known stranger is one that is extremely difficult. To change the expectations of what this person is capable of doing for or with me. This leads me to the following conclusion: I don't have to be friends with him nor his girlfriend. I don't have to agree with his parenting style, the way he dresses or anything else. It would be preferable to have a working relationship with him in which things are communicated clearly, and there are some fundamental issues on which we see eye to eye. Obviously if this were the case, I would like have stayed married.
Ultimately, the relationship between Mr. Hot Dog Water and I becomes a business relationship instead of a personal one. Failure for him to abide by the divorce decree or any other legally binding documents will have breach of contract ramifications. Failure for him to abide by local, state and federal laws with respect to payment of alimony, child support or in the manner in which he treats the children will have their repercussions as well.
For so long I have felt responsible for keeping this relationship friendly without his contribution to the same goal. My dependence on him financially has undermined my ability to make good choices. My false belief that I could not live without his approval (and thus financial and/or emotional support) have gone on long enough. In order for my life to truly move forward, to absolve myself from the bitterness, anger, hatred, resentment, I have to change my view of what I would have liked this situation to have looked like.
While for me personally friendly, peaceful, warm and honest relationships are a priority, I cannot hold him responsible for the same things. The only thing I can do is control how I allow him to treat me. I don't have to put up with him AT ALL.
Therefore, I have decided that Mr. Hot Dog Water is released on his own recognisance, to do as he wishes (which he was to begin with), as a known stranger to me. I will still hold him responsible to take good care of our children, but I will no longer expect him to treat me fairly, politel, nicely or otherwise, as it seems that this falls outside the realm of possibility. This would be expecting him to be a person he is not, nor will ever be. I will have to adjust and change my reaction to him.
After all, my experience in the business world has adequately prepared me to set clear boundaries with respect to what I will and will not allow. This will be no different.
Fare thee well, unknown stranger, I'm moving on.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Susy's Zucchini Bread
Nothing profound to offer today as a major migraine has entered the upper peninsula....the good smells of home baking and cooking are always good for something, and lift the spirits. Here's my contribution to the effort:
Susy's Zucchini Bread
3 large eggs
1 C (240 ml) canola oil
2 C (1 1/2 medium zucchini) grated zucchini
3 tsp (15 ml) vanilla extract
1/2 C (120 ml) honey
1/2 C (120 ml) Agava Nectar
1/2 tsp (2.5 mg)ground cloves
3 tsp (15 mg)cinnamon
3 C (360 mg) unbleached flour
1 tsp (5 mg)baking soda
1/2 tsp (2.5 mg)baking powder
1/2 C (75 mg) - finely chopped pecans
Preheat oven to 350F (175 C) Beat wet ingredients in a bowl until light yellow and foamy. (Adding zucchini last). Mix dry ingredients in separate bowl and gradually add to the first bowl and blend well. Coat bread pan with nonstick spray. Pour in batter and level out with spoon. Bake at 350 (175C) for about 1 hour until done.
Susy's Zucchini Bread
3 large eggs
1 C (240 ml) canola oil
2 C (1 1/2 medium zucchini) grated zucchini
3 tsp (15 ml) vanilla extract
1/2 C (120 ml) honey
1/2 C (120 ml) Agava Nectar
1/2 tsp (2.5 mg)ground cloves
3 tsp (15 mg)cinnamon
3 C (360 mg) unbleached flour
1 tsp (5 mg)baking soda
1/2 tsp (2.5 mg)baking powder
1/2 C (75 mg) - finely chopped pecans
Preheat oven to 350F (175 C) Beat wet ingredients in a bowl until light yellow and foamy. (Adding zucchini last). Mix dry ingredients in separate bowl and gradually add to the first bowl and blend well. Coat bread pan with nonstick spray. Pour in batter and level out with spoon. Bake at 350 (175C) for about 1 hour until done.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Cleaning your psychic closet
One of my goals for the rest of the year is to become more organized. For someone with the ADHD personality, organization is an arduous task to begin with. For someone who is trying to move forward with his or her life, to leave the past in the past so they can live in the present it can be an emotional undertaking.
I was faced with tossing items that belonged to someone that was a part of my life some time ago. I had started on this before but couldn't bring myself to separate for the things that he had left behind. While sorting through the items today, I realized that instead of being deeply distraught, like I was the first time I tried to clean the items from my home, I felt relieved.
I am a firm believer in making sure that you are in the right time and right psychic space to accomplish these sorts of tasks. It takes a balanced view to keep things that are special to you, to toss things that no longer have meaning. When you are an emotional train wreck, it is easy to rid your home of any trace of someone's presence, whether they left under their own powers or passed away. The temptation, for example, to get rid of every shred of evidence while in a fit of rage, leaving a smoldering trail of photographs, might come back to haunt you in the future.
What I am noticing as I am going through this, as I am evaluating other items of clutter, is that one of the reasons I hang on is the feeling that I am somehow responsible for items of little monetary value left behind. These can be replaced fairly easily. As I am clearing out the rubble, ridding my life of all the weight, I am realizing how much psychic space is opening up in front of me.
Through my commitment to visualize what I would like to attract into my life, I am able to conceive how the things I am clearing are creating a space in my life that can be fulfilling and content with the things that I want. That it no longer holds power over me - that fear has left me. I feel myself becoming oddly excited at the prospect of undertaking new endeavors, new avenues that were muddled by the endless clutter and debris of a former life I no longer need to live.
The only way that I find I can go on with life is to truly let go, to remove things that no longer have value and things that theoretically should not hold any power over me. To throw some of the holding-on-caution to the wind. To create a sacred space where new items can be manifested and clear thinking becomes the status quo.
I was faced with tossing items that belonged to someone that was a part of my life some time ago. I had started on this before but couldn't bring myself to separate for the things that he had left behind. While sorting through the items today, I realized that instead of being deeply distraught, like I was the first time I tried to clean the items from my home, I felt relieved.
I am a firm believer in making sure that you are in the right time and right psychic space to accomplish these sorts of tasks. It takes a balanced view to keep things that are special to you, to toss things that no longer have meaning. When you are an emotional train wreck, it is easy to rid your home of any trace of someone's presence, whether they left under their own powers or passed away. The temptation, for example, to get rid of every shred of evidence while in a fit of rage, leaving a smoldering trail of photographs, might come back to haunt you in the future.
What I am noticing as I am going through this, as I am evaluating other items of clutter, is that one of the reasons I hang on is the feeling that I am somehow responsible for items of little monetary value left behind. These can be replaced fairly easily. As I am clearing out the rubble, ridding my life of all the weight, I am realizing how much psychic space is opening up in front of me.
Through my commitment to visualize what I would like to attract into my life, I am able to conceive how the things I am clearing are creating a space in my life that can be fulfilling and content with the things that I want. That it no longer holds power over me - that fear has left me. I feel myself becoming oddly excited at the prospect of undertaking new endeavors, new avenues that were muddled by the endless clutter and debris of a former life I no longer need to live.
The only way that I find I can go on with life is to truly let go, to remove things that no longer have value and things that theoretically should not hold any power over me. To throw some of the holding-on-caution to the wind. To create a sacred space where new items can be manifested and clear thinking becomes the status quo.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Keeping your feet moving towards the object of your fear
Over the last couple of months I have faced down some formidable dragons and in the process really discovered a lot about who I am and what I am about. It seems to me that a lot of depression and anxiety is caused when your inner compass is out of tune with you outer world.
By that I mean that your core beliefs are being sabotaged because the fear of what will happen if you truly follow your heart, you truly do what you believe wants to shut you down before you even arrive at the challenge. I intercepted a large tax return that was applied toward an arrearage, advocated for excellence in health care and stood up for what I believed - albeit it on shaking baby giraffe-like legs. It made me realize how powerful I really am (without sounding boastful it is the kind of powerful that allows me to be a fierce and able advocate for myself and my children when needed). It made me realize that my observations, my thoughts and my actions legitimate. And power is about being able to form relationships that are collaborative as well as ones where all parties are heard.
So often what happens, the moment we start feeling fear, is we stop. We take a detour, we pretend that the goal we had intended doesn't exist. I started challenging myself to stop making excuses and to keep my feet moving towards my goal despite the intense fear I felt in doing so.
I began visualizing what it would feel like to be at peace. I started to retreat to that inner calm to discover what in my inner being I really wanted to do or how I wanted to react or respond to a situation instead of letting others manipulate me into decisions that I wasn't ready to make.
What I discovered about myself is this: I enjoy the quiet introspective times spent by myself to ponder the many aspects of life. By some this solitude is viewed as a sign of depression, but for me it is a serenity paralleled by no other means. To travel inside to the core, where you connect with the Source.
Later, I reemerged with a new resolve and a new attitude about how I am going to tackle a particular project or conflict with renewed energy and determination. It helps me to visualize what things look, feel, taste, like in order for me to feel a sense of calm.
Generally speaking, I have a very poor perception of self, I don't realize when I have made some major gains in the self-development arena in my life. But this time I can feel it as the good kind of giddy-anxiety propels me into new areas and is allowing me to take on new endeavors with a new attitude.
By that I mean that your core beliefs are being sabotaged because the fear of what will happen if you truly follow your heart, you truly do what you believe wants to shut you down before you even arrive at the challenge. I intercepted a large tax return that was applied toward an arrearage, advocated for excellence in health care and stood up for what I believed - albeit it on shaking baby giraffe-like legs. It made me realize how powerful I really am (without sounding boastful it is the kind of powerful that allows me to be a fierce and able advocate for myself and my children when needed). It made me realize that my observations, my thoughts and my actions legitimate. And power is about being able to form relationships that are collaborative as well as ones where all parties are heard.
So often what happens, the moment we start feeling fear, is we stop. We take a detour, we pretend that the goal we had intended doesn't exist. I started challenging myself to stop making excuses and to keep my feet moving towards my goal despite the intense fear I felt in doing so.
I began visualizing what it would feel like to be at peace. I started to retreat to that inner calm to discover what in my inner being I really wanted to do or how I wanted to react or respond to a situation instead of letting others manipulate me into decisions that I wasn't ready to make.
What I discovered about myself is this: I enjoy the quiet introspective times spent by myself to ponder the many aspects of life. By some this solitude is viewed as a sign of depression, but for me it is a serenity paralleled by no other means. To travel inside to the core, where you connect with the Source.
Later, I reemerged with a new resolve and a new attitude about how I am going to tackle a particular project or conflict with renewed energy and determination. It helps me to visualize what things look, feel, taste, like in order for me to feel a sense of calm.
Generally speaking, I have a very poor perception of self, I don't realize when I have made some major gains in the self-development arena in my life. But this time I can feel it as the good kind of giddy-anxiety propels me into new areas and is allowing me to take on new endeavors with a new attitude.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Power of visualization in goal setting...
A strange thing happened as a byproduct of visualization. For those of you who are new to the group, one of the techniques I am interested in for coping with my anxiety and depression is visualization. I have done a number of vision boards (I'll upload some pics later).
I have found some lists of things that I wanted to do that dated back to 2007 recently and while I was busy beating myself up about never getting anywhere in life, it seems that this is an area where I am having trouble seeing that there is progress. Because about 95% of the things on my to do list (I used to have a notebook dedicated JUST to to dos) are done or are no longer necessary.
So start getting that psychic clutter out of your head. At the front of the book start writing current things like oil changes and hair cuts, at the back start tracking your "been meaning to" list. Even if you don't ever cross them off, writing them down has it's own merit. Just writing it down. You don't even have to DO anything. The likelihood of achieving them is much greater.
So getting back to the visualization technique. I shared with you last month the police officer visualization experience. This month I have been focusing on my new wheels. I have been busy drowning out running commentary from those close to me because they think it is insane that I would want to drive a truck.
What if I actually LIKED that car and I wanted it because of ME? What if I don't care about someone else's opinion? What if I have already researched the relative reliability of said vehicle? What if I have plans that I may not be ready to share for which I feel this truck is a good match. What if I. JUST. DON'T CARE. ABOUT. YOUR. NEGATIVITY...and it is really time for you to MYOB?
I had posted a picture of my vehicle here in the tree house, to see what would happen. One day I was at dinner with my son and when I walked out..what should be parked right in front of my car? The same exact truck in the same color I like. Yesterday there was one that pulled away from the traffic light in front of me in the other lane, this one in a different color I had never seen on this vehicle before and one that I really liked. The truck is not common so seeing it is kind of a novelty. I'm not giving up on this.
Mind you, I thought this whole visualization thing was a bunch of crap. Something for some faction of new age wackos that was just a fad like jeggings should go out of style as soon as possible. I am here to tell you that this really does work. There will be an other entry about how my visualization of my health (see picture of lady on the beach on this page) is helping me deal with my medical issues and is changing some of my habits...Despite the enormous pressure on me at the moment, I am still SMOKE FREE!!! And I think part of it is that I use this image to bring myself back to planet earth when I feel like everything is screwy.
The moral of this story is, what you choose to do is completely up to you. But so often we are so quick to discount ideas that may actually work! Like putting affirmations on your mirror. Can I tell you if I had a dollar for every time someone told me to do that the money I would have earned would have afforded me a vacation in the Bahamas right now.
Making changes in your life requires being open to trying different and new approaches. What if by trying something that works for you, your life starts to shift in a direction that you've always wanted? It's worth a try, don't you think? Keep an open mind to someone else's suggestions. You never know if it will work until you try and if it doesn't seem harmful, what's the downside of trying it out?
I have found some lists of things that I wanted to do that dated back to 2007 recently and while I was busy beating myself up about never getting anywhere in life, it seems that this is an area where I am having trouble seeing that there is progress. Because about 95% of the things on my to do list (I used to have a notebook dedicated JUST to to dos) are done or are no longer necessary.
So start getting that psychic clutter out of your head. At the front of the book start writing current things like oil changes and hair cuts, at the back start tracking your "been meaning to" list. Even if you don't ever cross them off, writing them down has it's own merit. Just writing it down. You don't even have to DO anything. The likelihood of achieving them is much greater.
So getting back to the visualization technique. I shared with you last month the police officer visualization experience. This month I have been focusing on my new wheels. I have been busy drowning out running commentary from those close to me because they think it is insane that I would want to drive a truck.
What if I actually LIKED that car and I wanted it because of ME? What if I don't care about someone else's opinion? What if I have already researched the relative reliability of said vehicle? What if I have plans that I may not be ready to share for which I feel this truck is a good match. What if I. JUST. DON'T CARE. ABOUT. YOUR. NEGATIVITY...and it is really time for you to MYOB?
I had posted a picture of my vehicle here in the tree house, to see what would happen. One day I was at dinner with my son and when I walked out..what should be parked right in front of my car? The same exact truck in the same color I like. Yesterday there was one that pulled away from the traffic light in front of me in the other lane, this one in a different color I had never seen on this vehicle before and one that I really liked. The truck is not common so seeing it is kind of a novelty. I'm not giving up on this.
Mind you, I thought this whole visualization thing was a bunch of crap. Something for some faction of new age wackos that was just a fad like jeggings should go out of style as soon as possible. I am here to tell you that this really does work. There will be an other entry about how my visualization of my health (see picture of lady on the beach on this page) is helping me deal with my medical issues and is changing some of my habits...Despite the enormous pressure on me at the moment, I am still SMOKE FREE!!! And I think part of it is that I use this image to bring myself back to planet earth when I feel like everything is screwy.
The moral of this story is, what you choose to do is completely up to you. But so often we are so quick to discount ideas that may actually work! Like putting affirmations on your mirror. Can I tell you if I had a dollar for every time someone told me to do that the money I would have earned would have afforded me a vacation in the Bahamas right now.
Making changes in your life requires being open to trying different and new approaches. What if by trying something that works for you, your life starts to shift in a direction that you've always wanted? It's worth a try, don't you think? Keep an open mind to someone else's suggestions. You never know if it will work until you try and if it doesn't seem harmful, what's the downside of trying it out?
Monday, May 30, 2011
Addicted to anxiety?
I have been wondering why it is that we either create situations that make us anxious or avoid situations that make us feel anxious. The interesting thing is that by avoiding things that make us anxious, we are making ourselves more anxious. Because we never know the outcome, we merely make a guess as to what might the outcome might be. Often we come up with scenarios that depict gloom and doom instead of being realistic and balanced.
Creating situations that make us anxious feels like sabotage to me. The other day I didn't go get gas on the way to my sisters house and ended up riding on fumes because she lives out in the country and the nearest gas station was quite some distance away. The whole entire time I was feeling panicky about the prospect of running out of gas in the middle of nowhere. I kept thinking what is the pay off here? Why do I continue to do this? Same goes for my failure to register my car until recently. I knew I needed to pay the registration, I knew I could get pulled over at any given moment, yet I could not bring myself to deal with this issue and part with the money. Every time I got in the car, I would feel uneasy at the prospects of being pulled over. So why oh why do I continue to make these sorts of situations for myself? Why am I so driven by anxiety? Is the anxiety itself somehow a pay off, a comfort zone that I've become so accustomed to?
Part of it is that I have a hang up on spending money and I hate to spend it on bills, although it is is necessary. But largely there is a reason why I want to keep this anxiety alive. And that is what I am trying to put my finger on. Part of it is feeling worthy of a serene life which is difficult given the upheaval of the last several years. It is almost by dealing with things head on, I feel pressure to keep up the good work that may be in vain. (Instead of: It would be preferable to not have any setbacks, but setbacks happen. They are no reflection of my character or my worth. Humans make mistakes.) It is as if I have this dire need to keep myself small, to believe I cannot succeed, to fear that I will fall of the wagon again.
I think that it is going to take a monumental shift in my attitude that I am deserving of good things to come into my life and that I am capable of creating a life for myself that is pleasant, serene, and organized. I can't continue to let the disorganization (whether on purpose or otherwise) continue to drive my anxiety. The anxiety I feel when I can't find something is overwhelming, so you'd think I would create a home where everything is in its place. There has to be some biochemical reward to this constant level of palpable stress and fear.
I need to set realistic goals with the tools and support that I have available to me. I need to forgive myself for having been ill and not functioning for nearly a year. I need to extricate the voice that tells me there wasn't a damn thing wrong with me, I was just being lazy. And I need to accept that it took me a year to get myself into this mess, it is going to take a while to get out of it.
Another factor is an obsessive tendency to repeat my to do list to myself over and over and over. Again I am creating stress for myself. If I were to write down in one place my to do's and don't forgets (which I used to be fairly good at) and keep a calendar with all my appointments perhaps I would feel less stressed. I think there is something about feeling helpless and out of control that makes me feel paralysed. It keeps me from moving forward. And I am done with living this way. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are going to break into an anxious sweat at any time.
The anxiety is almost as bad as an addiction. It is habit one gets used to and repeats over and over. We deserve so much more, we are worth it!! So why is it that I use my fear of succeeding to keep this beast under my control so overwhelming? I just don't get why it is seems present in every aspect of my being. As if I should suffer for some imagined mistake.
I need to minimize the things that keep my mind thinking at all hours of the night and day. If I can just start scratching them off my list, I will have much more control over the fear that I experience on a daily basis. I've started keeping a rolling list of stuff to do and when things start to pop into my head, I write them down in an effort to see if they will lose their power once they're down on paper. It is not necessary. I deserve a life without fear and with anxiety. I plan to go create it!
Creating situations that make us anxious feels like sabotage to me. The other day I didn't go get gas on the way to my sisters house and ended up riding on fumes because she lives out in the country and the nearest gas station was quite some distance away. The whole entire time I was feeling panicky about the prospect of running out of gas in the middle of nowhere. I kept thinking what is the pay off here? Why do I continue to do this? Same goes for my failure to register my car until recently. I knew I needed to pay the registration, I knew I could get pulled over at any given moment, yet I could not bring myself to deal with this issue and part with the money. Every time I got in the car, I would feel uneasy at the prospects of being pulled over. So why oh why do I continue to make these sorts of situations for myself? Why am I so driven by anxiety? Is the anxiety itself somehow a pay off, a comfort zone that I've become so accustomed to?
Part of it is that I have a hang up on spending money and I hate to spend it on bills, although it is is necessary. But largely there is a reason why I want to keep this anxiety alive. And that is what I am trying to put my finger on. Part of it is feeling worthy of a serene life which is difficult given the upheaval of the last several years. It is almost by dealing with things head on, I feel pressure to keep up the good work that may be in vain. (Instead of: It would be preferable to not have any setbacks, but setbacks happen. They are no reflection of my character or my worth. Humans make mistakes.) It is as if I have this dire need to keep myself small, to believe I cannot succeed, to fear that I will fall of the wagon again.
I think that it is going to take a monumental shift in my attitude that I am deserving of good things to come into my life and that I am capable of creating a life for myself that is pleasant, serene, and organized. I can't continue to let the disorganization (whether on purpose or otherwise) continue to drive my anxiety. The anxiety I feel when I can't find something is overwhelming, so you'd think I would create a home where everything is in its place. There has to be some biochemical reward to this constant level of palpable stress and fear.
I need to set realistic goals with the tools and support that I have available to me. I need to forgive myself for having been ill and not functioning for nearly a year. I need to extricate the voice that tells me there wasn't a damn thing wrong with me, I was just being lazy. And I need to accept that it took me a year to get myself into this mess, it is going to take a while to get out of it.
Another factor is an obsessive tendency to repeat my to do list to myself over and over and over. Again I am creating stress for myself. If I were to write down in one place my to do's and don't forgets (which I used to be fairly good at) and keep a calendar with all my appointments perhaps I would feel less stressed. I think there is something about feeling helpless and out of control that makes me feel paralysed. It keeps me from moving forward. And I am done with living this way. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are going to break into an anxious sweat at any time.
The anxiety is almost as bad as an addiction. It is habit one gets used to and repeats over and over. We deserve so much more, we are worth it!! So why is it that I use my fear of succeeding to keep this beast under my control so overwhelming? I just don't get why it is seems present in every aspect of my being. As if I should suffer for some imagined mistake.
I need to minimize the things that keep my mind thinking at all hours of the night and day. If I can just start scratching them off my list, I will have much more control over the fear that I experience on a daily basis. I've started keeping a rolling list of stuff to do and when things start to pop into my head, I write them down in an effort to see if they will lose their power once they're down on paper. It is not necessary. I deserve a life without fear and with anxiety. I plan to go create it!
Novel concept: In order to see change in your life, you have to be willing to change...
For nearly 2 years I've been hashing it out with my fashionable but incredibly inefficient trash can. It is one of those round things with a stepper on it so you don't have to touch the top of it. The issue is that the garbage bags don't fit right and the capacity is seriously lacking. For TWO YEARS I have been contemplating getting rid of that stupid trash can because it is impractical and it is constantly overflowing but because I didn't want to part with the money and because I felt guilty about wasting money on a trash can that doesn't work. Well, it causes log jams in my whole house because trash is not making it to the trash can and for TWO YEARS I put up with the constant frustration of this issue.
Granted the first several months left me irritated and frustrated because I couldn't figure out what the problem was, one I did figure it out, I went looking for the perfect trash can only to discover it doesn't really exist.
So, today I got some stuff for my "I've been meaning to" list. I got some cork tiles to put on the wall for my vision boards. (Also something that I didn't want to put out the money (all of $6 for 4 of them). I am terrified of sticking them to the wall in fear of what's going to happen when I move out. It is also an object of permanency and it makes me anxious to anchor myself to my apartment.
But...I also purchased a trash can. And it wasn't the cheapest one, it is one that I liked, had sufficient capacity. In my head I can hear the voice of my ex husband saying he can buy it somewhere cheaper, or why buy a trash can when you already have one (even if it is broken, damaged or doesn't work right). Certainly we have to live within our means, but sometimes there are other factors that are keeping us stuck in feeling like we deserve to spend money on something that clearly has a purpose.
The point is that the NOT doing anything to change the trash situation, it was a guarantee that I would be dealing with this problem until I fixed it. It seemed ironically symbolic to me that I was expecting things to change, with out changing a thing....
Granted the first several months left me irritated and frustrated because I couldn't figure out what the problem was, one I did figure it out, I went looking for the perfect trash can only to discover it doesn't really exist.
So, today I got some stuff for my "I've been meaning to" list. I got some cork tiles to put on the wall for my vision boards. (Also something that I didn't want to put out the money (all of $6 for 4 of them). I am terrified of sticking them to the wall in fear of what's going to happen when I move out. It is also an object of permanency and it makes me anxious to anchor myself to my apartment.
But...I also purchased a trash can. And it wasn't the cheapest one, it is one that I liked, had sufficient capacity. In my head I can hear the voice of my ex husband saying he can buy it somewhere cheaper, or why buy a trash can when you already have one (even if it is broken, damaged or doesn't work right). Certainly we have to live within our means, but sometimes there are other factors that are keeping us stuck in feeling like we deserve to spend money on something that clearly has a purpose.
The point is that the NOT doing anything to change the trash situation, it was a guarantee that I would be dealing with this problem until I fixed it. It seemed ironically symbolic to me that I was expecting things to change, with out changing a thing....
Saturday, May 28, 2011
THE RULE OF ONE
THE RULE OF ONE. My friend Uthman told me at one point in my life, I was setting the bar to high for myself. I didn't believe him when he said, "today focus on just doing one thing."
At the time he told me to focus on taking out the trash. I told him it was ridiculous. He said "Do you think you can do it?" I said "Of course." He said "Well what could be better for your sanity that KNOWING you can reach your goal?"
Little did I know how fundamental the rule of one would become in my life. Because of my disabilities, there are days that more challenging than others. But if I can just stick to the rule of one, and do one thing that is one thing I did do instead of a thousand things I didn't or hundreds I did without thought or focus.
It helps me from hitting the panic button and saying this can't be done. My rule of one today: Do a load of laundry. The one thing that I am going to do today. Instead of getting in over your head, feeling overwhelmed just pick ONE THING. Do it, and do it well.
Good Luck!
PS: I ended up doing 3 loads of laundry and taking care of some stuff that didn't hold any power over me anymore. How freeing is that?
At the time he told me to focus on taking out the trash. I told him it was ridiculous. He said "Do you think you can do it?" I said "Of course." He said "Well what could be better for your sanity that KNOWING you can reach your goal?"
Little did I know how fundamental the rule of one would become in my life. Because of my disabilities, there are days that more challenging than others. But if I can just stick to the rule of one, and do one thing that is one thing I did do instead of a thousand things I didn't or hundreds I did without thought or focus.
It helps me from hitting the panic button and saying this can't be done. My rule of one today: Do a load of laundry. The one thing that I am going to do today. Instead of getting in over your head, feeling overwhelmed just pick ONE THING. Do it, and do it well.
Good Luck!
PS: I ended up doing 3 loads of laundry and taking care of some stuff that didn't hold any power over me anymore. How freeing is that?
The Gentle Art of Learning to do Nothing
I am realizing that I am discounting the progress I have made this weekend and it's only Saturday. Despite the horrendous pain in my back and the swelling in my feet my feet are still moving...just very slowly. This digging out is not something that I consider to be fun, but little by little I will get there.
It is difficult to see my things as progress because of how insignificant it seems compared to some of my friends who build an addition to their house before 6 am. And I have to give myself credit where credit is due. Today I started on the laundry and I think that is going to be my focus for June. I'm ok with this goal because I've been on the DL since May of last year and simply didn't have time to get caught up. If I can get all the stuff washed and folded that would be a good start. And I am no longer looking at the wash and the inside of my head is not screaming "this will never get done" "I can't do it" all "I just want to cry".
This is where the realistic goals come in. I was expecting myself to fix this problem in one day. It simply not going to happen unless I turn into superwoman. Of course every other area of my house is unorganized and I don't know where to start. As a result I do nothing because I have convinced myself it is futile. Doing my gratitude list every day (new habit) has forced me to make sure something positive happens in my day because I am going to have to write about it at night!
Have you ever seen the game at the fair which looks like a thermometer with a world like super strenght at the top and wimpy wimpy at the bottom and a big giant red bell at the top? The object ist to take a big hammer and hit a target with all your might. If you hit it hard enough you ring the bell at the very top. Well that is what I have been doing every time I see the laundry. Instead of investing my energy in taking little steps to rectify the situation, I hit the SUPER DUPER OVERLOAD button right away.
I have avoided it like the plague, not looking at it, tripping over it, and digging through it because I know somewhere I had a black tshirt and I can't figure out what happened to it. Not being able to find stuff is something that really contributes to my anxiety. It literally will send me into a giant panic attack if I can't find something on the first try. I start sweating and feel like I will lose my mind. Interesting how I am not showing myself a whole lot of love and respect in this arena, knowing I can't stand disorganization, yet making it something so prevalent it is bound to be a daily occurrence. Why do I want to punish myself. Why do I throw these roadblocks in my way what is it that I am scare of that I will find should I get my act together? Why do I not feel like I am worthy of having an organized and neat home?
If I do one load a day or even one load a week, I will be better off than I am now doing nothing. To refuse to get out that big ol' hammer hand hit the panic button with all my might to make sure I ring that bell at the top. It is a habit. An automatic reaction to things that stress me out. And it is going to stop. Maybe not overnight, but I believe that I can change my behavior and start thinking in more manageable steps instead of just allowing everything in my life to overwhelm me.
It may seem silly to some of you that my only goal for June is doing the laundry, but what I am learning by going back to basics, learning how to love me again, be good to me again, respect me again, is to not give a flip about what's going on with the multi-taskers of the world. However, I find that small changes in my habits tend to generalize to the rest of my life and in small increments I am regaining my confidence in my ability to regain some sort of equallibrium. It is very very difficult for me to accept that I have a disability that leads me to have to scale down my goals. But I am going to practice what I preach and apply the Rule of One and do my laundry....
What is something that you've been struggling with? What causes you anxiety? Are you ready to put away that sledge hammer and stop panicking? To tackle something that you avoid?
It is difficult to see my things as progress because of how insignificant it seems compared to some of my friends who build an addition to their house before 6 am. And I have to give myself credit where credit is due. Today I started on the laundry and I think that is going to be my focus for June. I'm ok with this goal because I've been on the DL since May of last year and simply didn't have time to get caught up. If I can get all the stuff washed and folded that would be a good start. And I am no longer looking at the wash and the inside of my head is not screaming "this will never get done" "I can't do it" all "I just want to cry".
This is where the realistic goals come in. I was expecting myself to fix this problem in one day. It simply not going to happen unless I turn into superwoman. Of course every other area of my house is unorganized and I don't know where to start. As a result I do nothing because I have convinced myself it is futile. Doing my gratitude list every day (new habit) has forced me to make sure something positive happens in my day because I am going to have to write about it at night!
Have you ever seen the game at the fair which looks like a thermometer with a world like super strenght at the top and wimpy wimpy at the bottom and a big giant red bell at the top? The object ist to take a big hammer and hit a target with all your might. If you hit it hard enough you ring the bell at the very top. Well that is what I have been doing every time I see the laundry. Instead of investing my energy in taking little steps to rectify the situation, I hit the SUPER DUPER OVERLOAD button right away.
I have avoided it like the plague, not looking at it, tripping over it, and digging through it because I know somewhere I had a black tshirt and I can't figure out what happened to it. Not being able to find stuff is something that really contributes to my anxiety. It literally will send me into a giant panic attack if I can't find something on the first try. I start sweating and feel like I will lose my mind. Interesting how I am not showing myself a whole lot of love and respect in this arena, knowing I can't stand disorganization, yet making it something so prevalent it is bound to be a daily occurrence. Why do I want to punish myself. Why do I throw these roadblocks in my way what is it that I am scare of that I will find should I get my act together? Why do I not feel like I am worthy of having an organized and neat home?
If I do one load a day or even one load a week, I will be better off than I am now doing nothing. To refuse to get out that big ol' hammer hand hit the panic button with all my might to make sure I ring that bell at the top. It is a habit. An automatic reaction to things that stress me out. And it is going to stop. Maybe not overnight, but I believe that I can change my behavior and start thinking in more manageable steps instead of just allowing everything in my life to overwhelm me.
It may seem silly to some of you that my only goal for June is doing the laundry, but what I am learning by going back to basics, learning how to love me again, be good to me again, respect me again, is to not give a flip about what's going on with the multi-taskers of the world. However, I find that small changes in my habits tend to generalize to the rest of my life and in small increments I am regaining my confidence in my ability to regain some sort of equallibrium. It is very very difficult for me to accept that I have a disability that leads me to have to scale down my goals. But I am going to practice what I preach and apply the Rule of One and do my laundry....
What is something that you've been struggling with? What causes you anxiety? Are you ready to put away that sledge hammer and stop panicking? To tackle something that you avoid?
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Friendships Continued
It has been quite a while since I wrote and despite a very difficult year, I think it is safe to say there has been an enormous amount of growth. One of the specific areas is drawing clear boundaries. So it happened that I got a text message from a distraught friend I had not heard from in months eluding to some sort of trouble in her life. I spent several hours texting back and forth with her trying to give her words of inspiration and courage to see her through this difficult situation.
When you have spent time around people that are profoundly depressed - I am not talking a bad hairday - there are certain phrases and words that lead you to certain conclusions. Sometimes people are very candid about their intent to self harm, other times it is more vague, but any threat is taken seriously by me. My friend eluded that she "couldn't take it anymore", that her family would be "better of with out her". Those kinds of comments pop up red flags so I stayed on the phone with her until I felt that the worst of the issue had passed. She promised me that she would call me later that evening but never did. Several days went by without a word. I sent a message which got no response. Today I sent a message that told her that my feelings were very hurt that I would give her the consideration in her hour of need but she could do the same for me when the hour of need had past and cause for concern no longer existed. I would never have been able to be so candid before in the past. As the days went on, I found myself getting more and more angry at being violated and misused.
It is, in a way a blessing because I am starting to understand that there is a reason why I feel uncomfortable. It is usually caused because I am not doing anything to remedy a situation that needs some serious attention. I am stifling my feelings and it is not healthy for me or those close to me.
Several weeks ago an acquaintance called me with a computer question. He expected me to drop everything and run over to his house (granted he is only 2 miles away and the problem would have taken me 5 or 10 minutes). I had other plans and I thought it was rather curious that this essentially non-critical computer problem would prompt him to call me for assistance after several months of silence. I sent him a message that I would not be able to make it that day because I had other responsibilities and I am still really angry about the total lack of response. This is not a friend, this is a user.
I guess with age comes the advantage that you do begin to see things more clearly and more quickly and I am learning that the people who have been there for me are the ones that really matter, the ones that step up when my world is falling apart. I think what caused this monumental shift in attitude is a huge shift in my belief that in order for people to love me I had to sacrifice something - usually my sanity. From where I stand now I believe that I am a person worthy of being treated well. Friendships are a covenant between two people that is reciprocal. I am not saying one should keep score, I am saying that you should be putting just as much gas in your friends tank as they are putting into yours so that neither runs out of gas in the long run.
When you have spent time around people that are profoundly depressed - I am not talking a bad hairday - there are certain phrases and words that lead you to certain conclusions. Sometimes people are very candid about their intent to self harm, other times it is more vague, but any threat is taken seriously by me. My friend eluded that she "couldn't take it anymore", that her family would be "better of with out her". Those kinds of comments pop up red flags so I stayed on the phone with her until I felt that the worst of the issue had passed. She promised me that she would call me later that evening but never did. Several days went by without a word. I sent a message which got no response. Today I sent a message that told her that my feelings were very hurt that I would give her the consideration in her hour of need but she could do the same for me when the hour of need had past and cause for concern no longer existed. I would never have been able to be so candid before in the past. As the days went on, I found myself getting more and more angry at being violated and misused.
It is, in a way a blessing because I am starting to understand that there is a reason why I feel uncomfortable. It is usually caused because I am not doing anything to remedy a situation that needs some serious attention. I am stifling my feelings and it is not healthy for me or those close to me.
Several weeks ago an acquaintance called me with a computer question. He expected me to drop everything and run over to his house (granted he is only 2 miles away and the problem would have taken me 5 or 10 minutes). I had other plans and I thought it was rather curious that this essentially non-critical computer problem would prompt him to call me for assistance after several months of silence. I sent him a message that I would not be able to make it that day because I had other responsibilities and I am still really angry about the total lack of response. This is not a friend, this is a user.
I guess with age comes the advantage that you do begin to see things more clearly and more quickly and I am learning that the people who have been there for me are the ones that really matter, the ones that step up when my world is falling apart. I think what caused this monumental shift in attitude is a huge shift in my belief that in order for people to love me I had to sacrifice something - usually my sanity. From where I stand now I believe that I am a person worthy of being treated well. Friendships are a covenant between two people that is reciprocal. I am not saying one should keep score, I am saying that you should be putting just as much gas in your friends tank as they are putting into yours so that neither runs out of gas in the long run.
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