I am realizing that I am discounting the progress I have made this weekend and it's only Saturday. Despite the horrendous pain in my back and the swelling in my feet my feet are still moving...just very slowly. This digging out is not something that I consider to be fun, but little by little I will get there.
It is difficult to see my things as progress because of how insignificant it seems compared to some of my friends who build an addition to their house before 6 am. And I have to give myself credit where credit is due. Today I started on the laundry and I think that is going to be my focus for June. I'm ok with this goal because I've been on the DL since May of last year and simply didn't have time to get caught up. If I can get all the stuff washed and folded that would be a good start. And I am no longer looking at the wash and the inside of my head is not screaming "this will never get done" "I can't do it" all "I just want to cry".
This is where the realistic goals come in. I was expecting myself to fix this problem in one day. It simply not going to happen unless I turn into superwoman. Of course every other area of my house is unorganized and I don't know where to start. As a result I do nothing because I have convinced myself it is futile. Doing my gratitude list every day (new habit) has forced me to make sure something positive happens in my day because I am going to have to write about it at night!
Have you ever seen the game at the fair which looks like a thermometer with a world like super strenght at the top and wimpy wimpy at the bottom and a big giant red bell at the top? The object ist to take a big hammer and hit a target with all your might. If you hit it hard enough you ring the bell at the very top. Well that is what I have been doing every time I see the laundry. Instead of investing my energy in taking little steps to rectify the situation, I hit the SUPER DUPER OVERLOAD button right away.
I have avoided it like the plague, not looking at it, tripping over it, and digging through it because I know somewhere I had a black tshirt and I can't figure out what happened to it. Not being able to find stuff is something that really contributes to my anxiety. It literally will send me into a giant panic attack if I can't find something on the first try. I start sweating and feel like I will lose my mind. Interesting how I am not showing myself a whole lot of love and respect in this arena, knowing I can't stand disorganization, yet making it something so prevalent it is bound to be a daily occurrence. Why do I want to punish myself. Why do I throw these roadblocks in my way what is it that I am scare of that I will find should I get my act together? Why do I not feel like I am worthy of having an organized and neat home?
If I do one load a day or even one load a week, I will be better off than I am now doing nothing. To refuse to get out that big ol' hammer hand hit the panic button with all my might to make sure I ring that bell at the top. It is a habit. An automatic reaction to things that stress me out. And it is going to stop. Maybe not overnight, but I believe that I can change my behavior and start thinking in more manageable steps instead of just allowing everything in my life to overwhelm me.
It may seem silly to some of you that my only goal for June is doing the laundry, but what I am learning by going back to basics, learning how to love me again, be good to me again, respect me again, is to not give a flip about what's going on with the multi-taskers of the world. However, I find that small changes in my habits tend to generalize to the rest of my life and in small increments I am regaining my confidence in my ability to regain some sort of equallibrium. It is very very difficult for me to accept that I have a disability that leads me to have to scale down my goals. But I am going to practice what I preach and apply the Rule of One and do my laundry....
What is something that you've been struggling with? What causes you anxiety? Are you ready to put away that sledge hammer and stop panicking? To tackle something that you avoid?
It is difficult to see my things as progress because of how insignificant it seems compared to some of my friends who build an addition to their house before 6 am. And I have to give myself credit where credit is due. Today I started on the laundry and I think that is going to be my focus for June. I'm ok with this goal because I've been on the DL since May of last year and simply didn't have time to get caught up. If I can get all the stuff washed and folded that would be a good start. And I am no longer looking at the wash and the inside of my head is not screaming "this will never get done" "I can't do it" all "I just want to cry".
This is where the realistic goals come in. I was expecting myself to fix this problem in one day. It simply not going to happen unless I turn into superwoman. Of course every other area of my house is unorganized and I don't know where to start. As a result I do nothing because I have convinced myself it is futile. Doing my gratitude list every day (new habit) has forced me to make sure something positive happens in my day because I am going to have to write about it at night!
Have you ever seen the game at the fair which looks like a thermometer with a world like super strenght at the top and wimpy wimpy at the bottom and a big giant red bell at the top? The object ist to take a big hammer and hit a target with all your might. If you hit it hard enough you ring the bell at the very top. Well that is what I have been doing every time I see the laundry. Instead of investing my energy in taking little steps to rectify the situation, I hit the SUPER DUPER OVERLOAD button right away.
I have avoided it like the plague, not looking at it, tripping over it, and digging through it because I know somewhere I had a black tshirt and I can't figure out what happened to it. Not being able to find stuff is something that really contributes to my anxiety. It literally will send me into a giant panic attack if I can't find something on the first try. I start sweating and feel like I will lose my mind. Interesting how I am not showing myself a whole lot of love and respect in this arena, knowing I can't stand disorganization, yet making it something so prevalent it is bound to be a daily occurrence. Why do I want to punish myself. Why do I throw these roadblocks in my way what is it that I am scare of that I will find should I get my act together? Why do I not feel like I am worthy of having an organized and neat home?
If I do one load a day or even one load a week, I will be better off than I am now doing nothing. To refuse to get out that big ol' hammer hand hit the panic button with all my might to make sure I ring that bell at the top. It is a habit. An automatic reaction to things that stress me out. And it is going to stop. Maybe not overnight, but I believe that I can change my behavior and start thinking in more manageable steps instead of just allowing everything in my life to overwhelm me.
It may seem silly to some of you that my only goal for June is doing the laundry, but what I am learning by going back to basics, learning how to love me again, be good to me again, respect me again, is to not give a flip about what's going on with the multi-taskers of the world. However, I find that small changes in my habits tend to generalize to the rest of my life and in small increments I am regaining my confidence in my ability to regain some sort of equallibrium. It is very very difficult for me to accept that I have a disability that leads me to have to scale down my goals. But I am going to practice what I preach and apply the Rule of One and do my laundry....
What is something that you've been struggling with? What causes you anxiety? Are you ready to put away that sledge hammer and stop panicking? To tackle something that you avoid?
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