Addicted to anxiety?

I have been wondering why it is that we either create situations that make us anxious or avoid situations that make us feel anxious.  The interesting thing is that by avoiding things that make us anxious, we are making ourselves more anxious. Because we never know the outcome, we merely make a guess as to what might the outcome might be.  Often we come up with scenarios that depict gloom and doom instead of being realistic and balanced.

Creating situations that make us anxious feels like sabotage to me. The other day I didn't go get gas on the way to my sisters house and ended up riding on fumes because she lives out in the country and the nearest gas station was quite some distance away. The whole entire time I was feeling panicky about the prospect of running out of gas in the middle of nowhere. I kept thinking what is the pay off here? Why do I continue to do this? Same goes for my failure to register my car until recently.  I knew I needed to pay the registration, I knew I could get pulled over at any given moment, yet I could not bring myself to deal with this issue and part with the money. Every time I got in the car, I would feel uneasy at the prospects of being pulled over. So why oh why do I continue to make these sorts of situations for myself? Why am I so driven by anxiety? Is the anxiety itself somehow a pay off, a comfort zone that I've become so accustomed to?

Part of it is that I have a hang up on spending money and I hate to spend it on bills, although it is is necessary. But largely there is a reason why I want to keep this anxiety alive.  And that is what I am trying to put my finger on. Part of it is feeling worthy of a serene life which is difficult given the upheaval of the last several years.  It is almost by dealing with things head on, I feel pressure to keep up the good work that may be in vain. (Instead of: It would be preferable to not have any setbacks, but setbacks happen.  They are no reflection of my character or my worth.  Humans make mistakes.) It is as if I have this dire need to keep myself small, to believe I cannot succeed, to fear that I will fall of the wagon again.

I think that it is going to take a monumental shift in my attitude that I am deserving of good things to come into my life and that I am capable of creating a life for myself that is pleasant, serene, and organized. I can't continue to let the disorganization (whether on purpose or otherwise) continue to drive my anxiety. The anxiety I feel when I can't find something is overwhelming, so you'd think I would create a home where everything is in its place. There has to be some biochemical reward to this constant level of palpable stress and fear.

I need to set realistic goals with the tools and support that I have available to me. I need to forgive myself for having been ill and not functioning for nearly a year. I need to extricate the voice that tells me there wasn't a damn thing wrong with me, I was just being lazy. And I need to accept that it took me a year to get myself into this mess, it is going to take a while to get out of it.

Another factor is an obsessive tendency to repeat my to do list to myself over and over and over. Again I am creating stress for myself. If I were to write down in one place my to do's and don't forgets (which I used to be fairly good at) and keep a calendar with all my appointments perhaps I would feel less stressed. I think there is something about feeling helpless and out of control that makes me feel paralysed. It keeps me from moving forward. And I am done with living this way. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are going to break into an anxious sweat at any time.

The anxiety is almost as bad as an addiction.  It is habit one gets used to and repeats over and over. We deserve so much more, we are worth it!! So why is it that I use my fear of succeeding to keep this beast under my control so overwhelming? I just don't get why it is seems present in every aspect of my being. As if I should suffer for some imagined mistake.

I need to minimize the things that keep my mind thinking at all hours of the night and day.  If I can just start scratching them off  my list, I will have much more control over the fear that I experience on a daily basis. I've started keeping a rolling list of stuff to do and when things start to pop into my head, I write them down in an effort to see if they will lose their power once they're down on paper.  It is not necessary. I deserve a life without fear and with anxiety.  I plan to go create it!