It has been quite a while since I wrote and despite a very difficult year, I think it is safe to say there has been an enormous amount of growth. One of the specific areas is drawing clear boundaries. So it happened that I got a text message from a distraught friend I had not heard from in months eluding to some sort of trouble in her life. I spent several hours texting back and forth with her trying to give her words of inspiration and courage to see her through this difficult situation.
When you have spent time around people that are profoundly depressed - I am not talking a bad hairday - there are certain phrases and words that lead you to certain conclusions. Sometimes people are very candid about their intent to self harm, other times it is more vague, but any threat is taken seriously by me. My friend eluded that she "couldn't take it anymore", that her family would be "better of with out her". Those kinds of comments pop up red flags so I stayed on the phone with her until I felt that the worst of the issue had passed. She promised me that she would call me later that evening but never did. Several days went by without a word. I sent a message which got no response. Today I sent a message that told her that my feelings were very hurt that I would give her the consideration in her hour of need but she could do the same for me when the hour of need had past and cause for concern no longer existed. I would never have been able to be so candid before in the past. As the days went on, I found myself getting more and more angry at being violated and misused.
It is, in a way a blessing because I am starting to understand that there is a reason why I feel uncomfortable. It is usually caused because I am not doing anything to remedy a situation that needs some serious attention. I am stifling my feelings and it is not healthy for me or those close to me.
Several weeks ago an acquaintance called me with a computer question. He expected me to drop everything and run over to his house (granted he is only 2 miles away and the problem would have taken me 5 or 10 minutes). I had other plans and I thought it was rather curious that this essentially non-critical computer problem would prompt him to call me for assistance after several months of silence. I sent him a message that I would not be able to make it that day because I had other responsibilities and I am still really angry about the total lack of response. This is not a friend, this is a user.
I guess with age comes the advantage that you do begin to see things more clearly and more quickly and I am learning that the people who have been there for me are the ones that really matter, the ones that step up when my world is falling apart. I think what caused this monumental shift in attitude is a huge shift in my belief that in order for people to love me I had to sacrifice something - usually my sanity. From where I stand now I believe that I am a person worthy of being treated well. Friendships are a covenant between two people that is reciprocal. I am not saying one should keep score, I am saying that you should be putting just as much gas in your friends tank as they are putting into yours so that neither runs out of gas in the long run.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
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