I have been wondering why it is that we either create situations that make us anxious or avoid situations that make us feel anxious. The interesting thing is that by avoiding things that make us anxious, we are making ourselves more anxious. Because we never know the outcome, we merely make a guess as to what might the outcome might be. Often we come up with scenarios that depict gloom and doom instead of being realistic and balanced.
Creating situations that make us anxious feels like sabotage to me. The other day I didn't go get gas on the way to my sisters house and ended up riding on fumes because she lives out in the country and the nearest gas station was quite some distance away. The whole entire time I was feeling panicky about the prospect of running out of gas in the middle of nowhere. I kept thinking what is the pay off here? Why do I continue to do this? Same goes for my failure to register my car until recently. I knew I needed to pay the registration, I knew I could get pulled over at any given moment, yet I could not bring myself to deal with this issue and part with the money. Every time I got in the car, I would feel uneasy at the prospects of being pulled over. So why oh why do I continue to make these sorts of situations for myself? Why am I so driven by anxiety? Is the anxiety itself somehow a pay off, a comfort zone that I've become so accustomed to?
Part of it is that I have a hang up on spending money and I hate to spend it on bills, although it is is necessary. But largely there is a reason why I want to keep this anxiety alive. And that is what I am trying to put my finger on. Part of it is feeling worthy of a serene life which is difficult given the upheaval of the last several years. It is almost by dealing with things head on, I feel pressure to keep up the good work that may be in vain. (Instead of: It would be preferable to not have any setbacks, but setbacks happen. They are no reflection of my character or my worth. Humans make mistakes.) It is as if I have this dire need to keep myself small, to believe I cannot succeed, to fear that I will fall of the wagon again.
I think that it is going to take a monumental shift in my attitude that I am deserving of good things to come into my life and that I am capable of creating a life for myself that is pleasant, serene, and organized. I can't continue to let the disorganization (whether on purpose or otherwise) continue to drive my anxiety. The anxiety I feel when I can't find something is overwhelming, so you'd think I would create a home where everything is in its place. There has to be some biochemical reward to this constant level of palpable stress and fear.
I need to set realistic goals with the tools and support that I have available to me. I need to forgive myself for having been ill and not functioning for nearly a year. I need to extricate the voice that tells me there wasn't a damn thing wrong with me, I was just being lazy. And I need to accept that it took me a year to get myself into this mess, it is going to take a while to get out of it.
Another factor is an obsessive tendency to repeat my to do list to myself over and over and over. Again I am creating stress for myself. If I were to write down in one place my to do's and don't forgets (which I used to be fairly good at) and keep a calendar with all my appointments perhaps I would feel less stressed. I think there is something about feeling helpless and out of control that makes me feel paralysed. It keeps me from moving forward. And I am done with living this way. There is nothing worse than feeling like you are going to break into an anxious sweat at any time.
The anxiety is almost as bad as an addiction. It is habit one gets used to and repeats over and over. We deserve so much more, we are worth it!! So why is it that I use my fear of succeeding to keep this beast under my control so overwhelming? I just don't get why it is seems present in every aspect of my being. As if I should suffer for some imagined mistake.
I need to minimize the things that keep my mind thinking at all hours of the night and day. If I can just start scratching them off my list, I will have much more control over the fear that I experience on a daily basis. I've started keeping a rolling list of stuff to do and when things start to pop into my head, I write them down in an effort to see if they will lose their power once they're down on paper. It is not necessary. I deserve a life without fear and with anxiety. I plan to go create it!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Novel concept: In order to see change in your life, you have to be willing to change...
For nearly 2 years I've been hashing it out with my fashionable but incredibly inefficient trash can. It is one of those round things with a stepper on it so you don't have to touch the top of it. The issue is that the garbage bags don't fit right and the capacity is seriously lacking. For TWO YEARS I have been contemplating getting rid of that stupid trash can because it is impractical and it is constantly overflowing but because I didn't want to part with the money and because I felt guilty about wasting money on a trash can that doesn't work. Well, it causes log jams in my whole house because trash is not making it to the trash can and for TWO YEARS I put up with the constant frustration of this issue.
Granted the first several months left me irritated and frustrated because I couldn't figure out what the problem was, one I did figure it out, I went looking for the perfect trash can only to discover it doesn't really exist.
So, today I got some stuff for my "I've been meaning to" list. I got some cork tiles to put on the wall for my vision boards. (Also something that I didn't want to put out the money (all of $6 for 4 of them). I am terrified of sticking them to the wall in fear of what's going to happen when I move out. It is also an object of permanency and it makes me anxious to anchor myself to my apartment.
But...I also purchased a trash can. And it wasn't the cheapest one, it is one that I liked, had sufficient capacity. In my head I can hear the voice of my ex husband saying he can buy it somewhere cheaper, or why buy a trash can when you already have one (even if it is broken, damaged or doesn't work right). Certainly we have to live within our means, but sometimes there are other factors that are keeping us stuck in feeling like we deserve to spend money on something that clearly has a purpose.
The point is that the NOT doing anything to change the trash situation, it was a guarantee that I would be dealing with this problem until I fixed it. It seemed ironically symbolic to me that I was expecting things to change, with out changing a thing....
Granted the first several months left me irritated and frustrated because I couldn't figure out what the problem was, one I did figure it out, I went looking for the perfect trash can only to discover it doesn't really exist.
So, today I got some stuff for my "I've been meaning to" list. I got some cork tiles to put on the wall for my vision boards. (Also something that I didn't want to put out the money (all of $6 for 4 of them). I am terrified of sticking them to the wall in fear of what's going to happen when I move out. It is also an object of permanency and it makes me anxious to anchor myself to my apartment.
But...I also purchased a trash can. And it wasn't the cheapest one, it is one that I liked, had sufficient capacity. In my head I can hear the voice of my ex husband saying he can buy it somewhere cheaper, or why buy a trash can when you already have one (even if it is broken, damaged or doesn't work right). Certainly we have to live within our means, but sometimes there are other factors that are keeping us stuck in feeling like we deserve to spend money on something that clearly has a purpose.
The point is that the NOT doing anything to change the trash situation, it was a guarantee that I would be dealing with this problem until I fixed it. It seemed ironically symbolic to me that I was expecting things to change, with out changing a thing....
Saturday, May 28, 2011
THE RULE OF ONE
At the time he told me to focus on taking out the trash. I told him it was ridiculous. He said "Do you think you can do it?" I said "Of course." He said "Well what could be better for your sanity that KNOWING you can reach your goal?"
Little did I know how fundamental the rule of one would become in my life. Because of my disabilities, there are days that more challenging than others. But if I can just stick to the rule of one, and do one thing that is one thing I did do instead of a thousand things I didn't or hundreds I did without thought or focus.
It helps me from hitting the panic button and saying this can't be done. My rule of one today: Do a load of laundry. The one thing that I am going to do today. Instead of getting in over your head, feeling overwhelmed just pick ONE THING. Do it, and do it well.
Good Luck!
PS: I ended up doing 3 loads of laundry and taking care of some stuff that didn't hold any power over me anymore. How freeing is that?
The Gentle Art of Learning to do Nothing
I am realizing that I am discounting the progress I have made this weekend and it's only Saturday. Despite the horrendous pain in my back and the swelling in my feet my feet are still moving...just very slowly. This digging out is not something that I consider to be fun, but little by little I will get there.
It is difficult to see my things as progress because of how insignificant it seems compared to some of my friends who build an addition to their house before 6 am. And I have to give myself credit where credit is due. Today I started on the laundry and I think that is going to be my focus for June. I'm ok with this goal because I've been on the DL since May of last year and simply didn't have time to get caught up. If I can get all the stuff washed and folded that would be a good start. And I am no longer looking at the wash and the inside of my head is not screaming "this will never get done" "I can't do it" all "I just want to cry".
This is where the realistic goals come in. I was expecting myself to fix this problem in one day. It simply not going to happen unless I turn into superwoman. Of course every other area of my house is unorganized and I don't know where to start. As a result I do nothing because I have convinced myself it is futile. Doing my gratitude list every day (new habit) has forced me to make sure something positive happens in my day because I am going to have to write about it at night!
Have you ever seen the game at the fair which looks like a thermometer with a world like super strenght at the top and wimpy wimpy at the bottom and a big giant red bell at the top? The object ist to take a big hammer and hit a target with all your might. If you hit it hard enough you ring the bell at the very top. Well that is what I have been doing every time I see the laundry. Instead of investing my energy in taking little steps to rectify the situation, I hit the SUPER DUPER OVERLOAD button right away.
I have avoided it like the plague, not looking at it, tripping over it, and digging through it because I know somewhere I had a black tshirt and I can't figure out what happened to it. Not being able to find stuff is something that really contributes to my anxiety. It literally will send me into a giant panic attack if I can't find something on the first try. I start sweating and feel like I will lose my mind. Interesting how I am not showing myself a whole lot of love and respect in this arena, knowing I can't stand disorganization, yet making it something so prevalent it is bound to be a daily occurrence. Why do I want to punish myself. Why do I throw these roadblocks in my way what is it that I am scare of that I will find should I get my act together? Why do I not feel like I am worthy of having an organized and neat home?
If I do one load a day or even one load a week, I will be better off than I am now doing nothing. To refuse to get out that big ol' hammer hand hit the panic button with all my might to make sure I ring that bell at the top. It is a habit. An automatic reaction to things that stress me out. And it is going to stop. Maybe not overnight, but I believe that I can change my behavior and start thinking in more manageable steps instead of just allowing everything in my life to overwhelm me.
It may seem silly to some of you that my only goal for June is doing the laundry, but what I am learning by going back to basics, learning how to love me again, be good to me again, respect me again, is to not give a flip about what's going on with the multi-taskers of the world. However, I find that small changes in my habits tend to generalize to the rest of my life and in small increments I am regaining my confidence in my ability to regain some sort of equallibrium. It is very very difficult for me to accept that I have a disability that leads me to have to scale down my goals. But I am going to practice what I preach and apply the Rule of One and do my laundry....
What is something that you've been struggling with? What causes you anxiety? Are you ready to put away that sledge hammer and stop panicking? To tackle something that you avoid?
It is difficult to see my things as progress because of how insignificant it seems compared to some of my friends who build an addition to their house before 6 am. And I have to give myself credit where credit is due. Today I started on the laundry and I think that is going to be my focus for June. I'm ok with this goal because I've been on the DL since May of last year and simply didn't have time to get caught up. If I can get all the stuff washed and folded that would be a good start. And I am no longer looking at the wash and the inside of my head is not screaming "this will never get done" "I can't do it" all "I just want to cry".
This is where the realistic goals come in. I was expecting myself to fix this problem in one day. It simply not going to happen unless I turn into superwoman. Of course every other area of my house is unorganized and I don't know where to start. As a result I do nothing because I have convinced myself it is futile. Doing my gratitude list every day (new habit) has forced me to make sure something positive happens in my day because I am going to have to write about it at night!
Have you ever seen the game at the fair which looks like a thermometer with a world like super strenght at the top and wimpy wimpy at the bottom and a big giant red bell at the top? The object ist to take a big hammer and hit a target with all your might. If you hit it hard enough you ring the bell at the very top. Well that is what I have been doing every time I see the laundry. Instead of investing my energy in taking little steps to rectify the situation, I hit the SUPER DUPER OVERLOAD button right away.
I have avoided it like the plague, not looking at it, tripping over it, and digging through it because I know somewhere I had a black tshirt and I can't figure out what happened to it. Not being able to find stuff is something that really contributes to my anxiety. It literally will send me into a giant panic attack if I can't find something on the first try. I start sweating and feel like I will lose my mind. Interesting how I am not showing myself a whole lot of love and respect in this arena, knowing I can't stand disorganization, yet making it something so prevalent it is bound to be a daily occurrence. Why do I want to punish myself. Why do I throw these roadblocks in my way what is it that I am scare of that I will find should I get my act together? Why do I not feel like I am worthy of having an organized and neat home?
If I do one load a day or even one load a week, I will be better off than I am now doing nothing. To refuse to get out that big ol' hammer hand hit the panic button with all my might to make sure I ring that bell at the top. It is a habit. An automatic reaction to things that stress me out. And it is going to stop. Maybe not overnight, but I believe that I can change my behavior and start thinking in more manageable steps instead of just allowing everything in my life to overwhelm me.
It may seem silly to some of you that my only goal for June is doing the laundry, but what I am learning by going back to basics, learning how to love me again, be good to me again, respect me again, is to not give a flip about what's going on with the multi-taskers of the world. However, I find that small changes in my habits tend to generalize to the rest of my life and in small increments I am regaining my confidence in my ability to regain some sort of equallibrium. It is very very difficult for me to accept that I have a disability that leads me to have to scale down my goals. But I am going to practice what I preach and apply the Rule of One and do my laundry....
What is something that you've been struggling with? What causes you anxiety? Are you ready to put away that sledge hammer and stop panicking? To tackle something that you avoid?
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Friendships Continued
It has been quite a while since I wrote and despite a very difficult year, I think it is safe to say there has been an enormous amount of growth. One of the specific areas is drawing clear boundaries. So it happened that I got a text message from a distraught friend I had not heard from in months eluding to some sort of trouble in her life. I spent several hours texting back and forth with her trying to give her words of inspiration and courage to see her through this difficult situation.
When you have spent time around people that are profoundly depressed - I am not talking a bad hairday - there are certain phrases and words that lead you to certain conclusions. Sometimes people are very candid about their intent to self harm, other times it is more vague, but any threat is taken seriously by me. My friend eluded that she "couldn't take it anymore", that her family would be "better of with out her". Those kinds of comments pop up red flags so I stayed on the phone with her until I felt that the worst of the issue had passed. She promised me that she would call me later that evening but never did. Several days went by without a word. I sent a message which got no response. Today I sent a message that told her that my feelings were very hurt that I would give her the consideration in her hour of need but she could do the same for me when the hour of need had past and cause for concern no longer existed. I would never have been able to be so candid before in the past. As the days went on, I found myself getting more and more angry at being violated and misused.
It is, in a way a blessing because I am starting to understand that there is a reason why I feel uncomfortable. It is usually caused because I am not doing anything to remedy a situation that needs some serious attention. I am stifling my feelings and it is not healthy for me or those close to me.
Several weeks ago an acquaintance called me with a computer question. He expected me to drop everything and run over to his house (granted he is only 2 miles away and the problem would have taken me 5 or 10 minutes). I had other plans and I thought it was rather curious that this essentially non-critical computer problem would prompt him to call me for assistance after several months of silence. I sent him a message that I would not be able to make it that day because I had other responsibilities and I am still really angry about the total lack of response. This is not a friend, this is a user.
I guess with age comes the advantage that you do begin to see things more clearly and more quickly and I am learning that the people who have been there for me are the ones that really matter, the ones that step up when my world is falling apart. I think what caused this monumental shift in attitude is a huge shift in my belief that in order for people to love me I had to sacrifice something - usually my sanity. From where I stand now I believe that I am a person worthy of being treated well. Friendships are a covenant between two people that is reciprocal. I am not saying one should keep score, I am saying that you should be putting just as much gas in your friends tank as they are putting into yours so that neither runs out of gas in the long run.
When you have spent time around people that are profoundly depressed - I am not talking a bad hairday - there are certain phrases and words that lead you to certain conclusions. Sometimes people are very candid about their intent to self harm, other times it is more vague, but any threat is taken seriously by me. My friend eluded that she "couldn't take it anymore", that her family would be "better of with out her". Those kinds of comments pop up red flags so I stayed on the phone with her until I felt that the worst of the issue had passed. She promised me that she would call me later that evening but never did. Several days went by without a word. I sent a message which got no response. Today I sent a message that told her that my feelings were very hurt that I would give her the consideration in her hour of need but she could do the same for me when the hour of need had past and cause for concern no longer existed. I would never have been able to be so candid before in the past. As the days went on, I found myself getting more and more angry at being violated and misused.
It is, in a way a blessing because I am starting to understand that there is a reason why I feel uncomfortable. It is usually caused because I am not doing anything to remedy a situation that needs some serious attention. I am stifling my feelings and it is not healthy for me or those close to me.
Several weeks ago an acquaintance called me with a computer question. He expected me to drop everything and run over to his house (granted he is only 2 miles away and the problem would have taken me 5 or 10 minutes). I had other plans and I thought it was rather curious that this essentially non-critical computer problem would prompt him to call me for assistance after several months of silence. I sent him a message that I would not be able to make it that day because I had other responsibilities and I am still really angry about the total lack of response. This is not a friend, this is a user.
I guess with age comes the advantage that you do begin to see things more clearly and more quickly and I am learning that the people who have been there for me are the ones that really matter, the ones that step up when my world is falling apart. I think what caused this monumental shift in attitude is a huge shift in my belief that in order for people to love me I had to sacrifice something - usually my sanity. From where I stand now I believe that I am a person worthy of being treated well. Friendships are a covenant between two people that is reciprocal. I am not saying one should keep score, I am saying that you should be putting just as much gas in your friends tank as they are putting into yours so that neither runs out of gas in the long run.
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