My insecurities stem mainly from being afraid of being humiliated or being afraid of not belonging. These issues go back to very early childhood where I never fit in and because I was different I was often humiliated and bullied by those in authority when I asked for help. When you repeat this pattern from nearly 40 years, you start to believe that you are unworthy of belonging and unworthy of love and acceptance. As a result you allow other people to define who you are, you accept their image of you and you throw your own idea of who you are out the window.
When you finally come out of this coma, you are so lost because for so long people around you have been telling you you are nothing but dirt and to find the middle of the road where you are confident instead of arrogant is difficult because you already have a skewed view that confidence is always arrogance or cockiness. It takes time to come out of this emotional abuse. It takes nurturing of a wounded soul. It takes, at times experiencing extremes so you can appreciate the middle. But most of all it takes excavating who you really are and what you really like because for so long you have been overpowered by abusive people you don't even know whether you like something because it is something that they've always liked or whether you like something because you genuinely like it.
Sometimes, for a brief period of time, people get you in their grips and confuse you. Perhaps their remarks make you doubt your reality. This might be because you are so susceptible to criticism and taking other people's word as gospel. You are, in short, afraid of being wrong, and afraid that your newly found self is not really real. The more you practice doing things outside your comfort zone, the more you learn how to feel that authentic self the more you learn to rely on your own instincts, the easier it gets to shrug off other people's opinions and go about your business. I think catching yourself when you say things can't be done, and calling your self names like stupid, dumb, ugly, crazy, lazy, fat is a huge huge step in excavating who you are deep down inside.
Asking people you trust to be balanced and truthful individuals how they view you may give you some insight on who you really are. But you have to be open to receiving it as well. It is because of the dissonance between who you truly are and who you have been told you are and who you believe you are. It takes some sensitivity to understand how relentless abuse can affect someone and their personality. To accept it with out judgment.
For example, my mother is terrified of driving anywhere outside her town and is scared to take a different route to someone's house because of it as well. To someone like me, who has lived in some of the nation's largest cities, this is something that I can't understand. However, it is her reality, and I have to accept that her feelings are valid and that she may never be able to break out of this fear which in MY view is just ridiculous. Trying to understand that this fear is real to her is really difficult, but there has to be a reason that she can't do it.
While it is possible to change one's attitude and believes at age 65 it is not likely. What is important is to accept people where the are in their journey and to accept that their fears are real to them. I know for myself that when I feel as if someone is about to lower the boom on me - specifically the significant males in my history - I shut down and I will never raise that subject again. It takes a great amount of sensitivity to understand where someone is coming from and that is not always easy to do.
It is possible however, that the other party has some strength or talent that is blatantly obvious to others, yet does not ever occur to them as being special. This is why I think compliments are so important. But for the the giver and for the receiver. Because if you hear something once you don't really think it is true. But if a person hears over and over that they are loved, accepted, they have a wonderful talent for something, it starts to neutralize the poison of the past.
The goes for positive messages. The more you hear positive, kind and encouraging words, the more you start to believe them. So, when you speak to yourself, make sure you are telling the jack ass that is hounding you with unkind words to zip his lips and let the person who accepts you for who you are receive you with open arms.
