Known Strangers....

So here is what hit me today in learning how to deal with Mr. Hot Dog Water:

My reality and my desire were out of sync. What I wanted is for us to have an amicable divorce. I have tried everything in my power to make it so. What I have failed to recognize, however, is that it takes two people committed to the same ideal.

If indeed we had been committed to the same ideal, wouldn't we still be married?

I recognized today that I put way to much stock into being nice. As I was driving in the car, I was thinking about the term that insurance companies use to disqualify you from being part of your ex-spouse's health insurance: known strangers.

While I would have preferred to have had a working relationship with my ex, this is clearly not possible. Therefore he must become a known stranger. Known strangers in my book have the right to courteous and professional communications, but have no right to the inside mechanics of my life, be it professional or personal. They cease to have the right to reside in my inner circle of friends and family.

This fundamental shift from someone that I used to trust to take a bullet for me to being a known stranger is one that is extremely difficult. To change the expectations of what this person is capable of doing for or with me. This leads me to the following conclusion: I don't have to be friends with him nor his girlfriend. I don't have to agree with his parenting style, the way he dresses or anything else. It would be preferable to have a working relationship with him in which things are communicated clearly, and there are some fundamental issues on which we see eye to eye. Obviously if this were the case, I would like have stayed married.

Ultimately, the relationship between Mr. Hot Dog Water and I becomes a business relationship instead of a personal one. Failure for him to abide by the divorce decree or any other legally binding documents will have breach of contract ramifications. Failure for him to abide by local, state and federal laws with respect to payment of alimony, child support or in the manner in which he treats the children will have their repercussions as well.

For so long I have felt responsible for keeping this relationship friendly without his contribution to the same goal. My dependence on him financially has undermined my ability to make good choices. My false belief that I could not live without his approval (and thus financial and/or emotional support) have gone on long enough. In order for my life to truly move forward, to absolve myself from the bitterness, anger, hatred, resentment, I have to change my view of what I would have liked this situation to have looked like.

While for me personally friendly, peaceful, warm and honest relationships are a priority, I cannot hold him responsible for the same things. The only thing I can do is control how I allow him to treat me. I don't have to put up with him AT ALL.

Therefore, I have decided that Mr. Hot Dog Water is released on his own recognisance, to do as he wishes (which he was to begin with), as a known stranger to me. I will still hold him responsible to take good care of our children, but I will no longer expect him to treat me fairly, politel, nicely or otherwise, as it seems that this falls outside the realm of possibility. This would be expecting him to be a person he is not, nor will ever be. I will have to adjust and change my reaction to him.

After all, my experience in the business world has adequately prepared me to set clear boundaries with respect to what I will and will not allow. This will be no different.

Fare thee well, unknown stranger, I'm moving on.