Difficult Friendships

I have been friends with someone for approximately 3 years.  At best, our relations are very close, we discuss everything that "good girlfriends" should.  As of late, things have taken a turn for the worse -- or it is possible that  I am for the first time starting to assess my self-worth and trying to decide whether this relationship is ready to be scrapped or whether it can be salvaged.

In certain regards we are quite opposite.  I have spent the better part of 10 years cleaning up all of the skeletins in my closet, while my buddy has not had any formal therapy.  We are both products of very dysfunctional families, however, find that I have moved on from a lot of the behaviors that no longer work for me.

I am very upset and angry, ok I'll say it -- hurt -- by a recent turn of events that I seem to be obsessing about. Apparently I divulged something to someone else several years ago that was meant to be kept in confidence.  This has come back to haunt me in that I am now one of the many people my friend doesn't trust.  I felt extremely hurt that something that goes back so far, of which the particulars are not know has come back around to haunt me.

To be honest, I am tired of the martyr mentality that seems to have taken root in my friend.  I am tired of walking around as if there are land mines everywhere.  While I understand that she is currently going through a lot of emotional upheaval, I fail to understand why she is lashing out at me.  When I tried to put the pieces together this morning, I came to the conclusion that I don't deserve the treatment that is being dished out.  It is a game where I am supposed to guess at what I did wrong.  It is very reminiscent of the game that my father played with me (I know how very Freudian of me) and I don't like it one bit.

I think that friends should ideally share the same core values, and currently I feel that my values such as

- treat everyone fairly and kindly
- resolve conflicts quickly
- avoid saying things in anger or rage that you will later regret
are just not being resonated in this scenario at all.

What hurts the most is that I have tried to "be there" for her, something that has gone totally unappreciated.  Part of me resents the fact that I have tried to prove the fact that I am worthy of her friendship, and I fail to understand why this is necessary.

Oh, I've spent many hours being jealous of the things that she has that money can buy and her ability to spend money like it is nothing.  But what about her do I admire?  What does she bring to the table?

I should mention here that money is very important to her and that there have been numerous statements made about how people who are on disability are nothing but bums milking the system.  Ouch!  Last I checked, I was checked over by a bunch of doctors and it took me 18 months and the services of an attorney to even get disability. What do I have to bring to the table?  How bout loyalty, honesty, friendship, presence, intelligence, insight?  Does that not account for anything?

I'm really upset that I have let this relationship become a runaway train.  I deserve better than getting the cold shoulder when someone is upset and it hurts me to say that the longer this goes on, the more I have to push it away.  I simply will not be treated like I am inferior, and I will not live with the anxiety of wondering when the next time is that she will be in a fit of rage about something about which I have no clue.

Can you relate?  Please leave a comment.